What do you find yourself saying on your birthday?

What do you find yourself saying on your birthday?  

This is a question I had never really asked myself...that I had never really considered...until today.

A couple days ago I turned 46.  And it occurred to me that I never once said, “I can’t believe I’m 46,” with a slight groan.  Something I’m certain I’ve said/done every year since I was 25…or at least some version of it.

“How can I be X already?  What happened?” Groan.

And I’m trying to pinpoint why my general reaction to this birthday was different.  

For one, I simply survived 2020.  That’s something, right? 😊

And for another...I’m realizing this is the first year I haven’t felt like I’m just going through the motions...like I’m constantly running...like I’m on a hamster wheel that just keeps going faster & faster...or on a treadmill with an inoperable power button.

In some ways 2020 felt like it lasted two months, & in others it felt like it lasted seven years.

And I certainly feel like I'm running at times. But not to the extent I used to.

Instead, last weekend, I just enjoyed a relaxing birthday weekend with my family.  

I didn’t feel like I had to squeeze all the fun in before the next week began.

And I’m realizing it’s been that way for quite a while now.  

I haven’t recently scolded myself for “wasting” time when I found myself staring out the window at the snow.  

I haven’t recently awoken from a trance with, “What?  What, buddy?  What did you say?” realizing one of the boys has said “Mom” 17 times.  At least it’s not the frequent occurrence it once was.  

Do I still have monkey-mind?  Yes, I'll be coralling monkeys until I die.

But my monkeys are no longer the rabid savages they once were...or at least they’re rabid far less of the time.

Do you feel that way, too?

Is it due to the changes of 2020?  

Is it due to the slowed nature of life forced upon us?  

For me, I think it’s a combination of things...2020 & finally figuring out what I love to do & actually doing it.

For finding people who are trying to do the same thing & having the support & encouragement I need.

For being more intentional.

For trying to be more present every day.

Am I always intentional & present?  Absolutely not.  I’ll remain a work in progress.  

But I’ll keep working on it.  

And I’ll never be certain why exactly this birthday was different from others...What factors played a role & to what degree...Just like anything else in life...But I’ll keep pondering.

And I encourage you to do the same. 

What 2020 impacts do you want to stick around?

What will you ask yourself on your next birthday?  And the one after?  Will it be followed by a groan? 

I hope it’s not. 🙂